Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Periodic Table of the Ailments

The Periodic Table of the Ailments

Hypochondrium, with a toxic weight of 1 and an emotional negativity of +1, is the lightest and least charged of all the ailments. It is believed to be the essential building block from which all the other ailments are created.

Following a row from left to right, emotional negativity increases: for example, from Borin', to Nitpickin', to Arguin'. Descending a column from top to bottom, toxic weight increases: for instance, as we move from Ouchygen to Suffer, or from Antimony to Seizium.

In the middle of the table is a large group of very similar ailments: the Heavy Mentals. These ailments are malleable yet durable, due to their Sea of Charged Emotions, and include the commonly seen Irony, Tension, and Stressium; also Halffullium, Rue & Ruthium, Hysterium, and Migrainium; as well as the more unusual Platitudinum, Valetudinum, and Tungstuckincheekium.

The Nobel Asses are so called because these ailments are so full of themselves they have become inert: Heelium, Begone, Agony, Crypticsighsium, Leavemealoneium, and Rageon.

Finally, the more recently discovered Rare Death Ailments consume a large part of the Periodic Table, as well as a large part of the National Health Budget. These include: Sneezium, Wheezium, Cough and Coldium; Wartium, Rashium, Painium, and Curemeum, as well as many other insidious and persistent - and sometimes explosive! - ailments.

Armed with the knowledge and study of The Periodic Table of the Ailments, physicians are now able to predict the appearance of new ailments, even before they have manifested. One such ailment, Internetaddictium, with a toxic weight of 125 and an emotional negativity of -4, has recently been proposed. Due to its probable extreme instability, research is already underway for isolation and preventive treatment Posted by Hello


C. Dale said...

Hahahahahahaha! This is too funny.

A. J. Patrick Liszkiewicz said...

'Tungstuckinscheekium'! That brokemeupium.

Anne said...

I think I just frightened the cats with my giggling and *snerk*ing. This is great!

Ivy said...

Love it, love it!

David Vincenti said...

This is just BRILLIANT!

But I'm surprised you left out Berzerkelium (Bk), which we know can be precipitated out of assistants and technicians in physician's offices after prolonged exposure to the other ailments. And from a lack of Einsteinium-rich subjects in the room.

A lot of fellow geeks will be receiving this link today. THANKS!

Peter said...

Somebody sent me this related link today: The Periodoc Table of Haiku

Erin B. said...

Peter, you are such a delightful quirk.

Nick said...


I denote an element of humor which periodically tickles the funny bone. Sorry, I just couldn't resist. This is hilarious. Thanks for posting it.